Everyone knows that for the he althy and harmonious development of a child, he needs both a father and a mother. But our expectations and hopes do not always coincide with reality. Single mothers have long been the norm in today's world. What problems await children, and are there any differences in how to raise a boy and a girl without a father?
Third place in single-parent families
The statistics are inexorable: 52% of all children in Russia are brought up in single-parent families. However, this seemingly critical indicator is by no means the highest in the world. In the first place in terms of the number of families where a child is brought up without a father, is Iceland (64%), the second is Sweden (54%). Russia takes the "honorable" third place.
In the UK, the percentage of single mothers is 38%, in Finland - 36%. More than half of all children brought up in incomplete families are born to unmarried women. And this means that the institution of marriage has greatly depreciated over the past few decades: our contemporaries no longer attachgreat importance to family ties.
The second half of the children were originally born in happy unions, which for one reason or another fell apart. This also includes families in which the second parent has died or his whereabouts are unknown.
According to Rosstat, there is one single father for every 149 single mothers. In total, there are about 50 thousand dads in Russia who raise children without a mother.
The number of single mothers is truly shockingly large: about 7 million women are raising children without the support of their husbands.
Infantilism of men and despair of women
Men disappear in different directions: some find themselves a new woman, others refuse responsibility and disappear after the news of an unplanned pregnancy, others drink and rowdy, others cannot endure the difficulties of the first year of a baby's life and prefer the role of "day off dad", fifths die. All these situations have one common denominator: a woman raising a child without a father.
Today, all psychologists talk about the infantilism of the generation of zero and 90s, about erasing the boundaries of becoming and the so-called "growing up". If earlier it came with graduating from college, college, acquiring a profession, today the eternally young "children of the nineties" and at the age of 30 consider themselves too young to be responsible for the family and the new generation.
20 years ago, children growing up in families without a father were the exception. Today, this will surprise no one. The experience of fatherlessness in our country comes down toonly to the sad post-war years and therefore looks especially frightening. A woman left alone with her child, frightened by her mother or grandmother, without support and support, often feels despair at the thought of raising a child without a father. Of course, there are special, subtle points and rules that a single mother should take into account, but in general, today everything is not as scary as it was half a century ago.
Separation of roles
In the life of babies up to 2-3 years old, a man does not play a special role. Such babies still feel one with their mother and do not suffer much that in the evening they are not tickled under the armpit by the bristly cheek of their father, tired after work.
Of course, a whole layer of pleasant memories falls out of the life of such children, like an evening book with dad at his side, launching boats in the bathroom, frisky games of horse and rider, catching up on weekends. However, in the first years of a child's life, it is the mother who needs to be pitied and helped: as a rule, it is she who is in a depressed state, she may experience postpartum depression or despair.
This is not surprising: what parents divide in two in two - walks, baths, night whims, snot and crises - in incomplete families falls on the shoulders of a single woman. The presence of a grandmother nearby sometimes not only does not help, but sometimes exacerbates the situation: difficult conversations in the kitchen about the unfortunate fate of her daughter, constant moralizing with or without, imposing one's parental experience can completely spoil the already difficult condition of a woman.
There is also the opposite situation, when the grandmother takes ontakes care of all the care of the baby and sends the daughter to "arrange" her life. Despite the seemingly positive spirit of this arrangement, it is extremely destructive.
Maternal instinct and love does not always start with the first cry of a baby, it, like any deep and sincere feeling, is brought up and grows from the daily routine and care for the baby. In the body of a mother, cut off from worries about the child she gave birth not so long ago, a special mechanism is triggered, conventionally called "experience of loss." It destroys the hormones responsible for the formation of attachment, and is equally detrimental to both mother and child.
Thus, a young woman forced to raise a child without a father, in the first years of his life, must immerse himself in motherhood, and leave her own role to the grandmother.
Image of a father
Regardless of when the man left the woman, the mother should do her best to form a positive image of the father in the child. If the baby has fragmentary or complete memories of the second parent, if the father wants to be present in the life of the child and does not pose a threat to his life and he alth, then they need to be supported.
It is difficult for a young mother to come to terms with the idea that a father, real or fictional, will somehow be present in her child's life. But children do not tolerate emptiness and will quickly make up for the lack of information with their fantasies. For he althy development, the baby must know that he was born in love, that he is loved and needed by both parents.
If a womanIf it is possible to arrange a personal life while the child is still small, then the bright image of the father will imperceptibly and naturally be replaced by the figure of the stepfather. If not, then a positive idea of the pope will become the second pillar on which any person relies in one way or another in his life. Agree that no one has yet become happier from the thought that he was born from a scoundrel.
Say no to complicated stories
There are no hard and fast rules on how to raise a child without a father, but mysterious stories about spies and pilots should be kept to yourself. Fortunately, the time has passed when fatherlessness was considered something shameful, and mothers, trying to shield their offspring from the ridicule of their peers, invented intricate stories about where the second parent had gone.
Single mothers will have to come to terms with the fact that interest in the father's personality will grow with the child. Once having lied, mother, grandmother and all their surroundings will become more and more bogged down in the swamp of this lie every day and year. And the stronger and sharper will be the disappointment of the child who learned the truth.
Talking about the father should be brief, always in a positive way, according to the age of the baby. As a rule, children satisfy their interest and change the subject for a while.
Most mothers raising a child without a father mistakenly believe that the absence of a man in the house will have a catastrophic effect on the boy, and will not bring any negativity into the life of the girl.
Unfortunately, this is an erroneous, but extremely common misconception. Being nearbydads are extremely important to children of both sexes. For a girl, dad is her first love, her first protector, the image in the likeness of which she will look for her future husband.
Deprived of male attention and affection since childhood, in the future a girl may suffer from all sorts of psychological and physical clamps, difficulties in building relationships with the opposite sex, choosing a partner.
Still, incomplete families where girls are brought up are much more stable and calmer than those where boys are brought up. Usually the mother knows the world of "princesses and bows", because she herself was once a girl, and is convinced (albeit sometimes erroneously) of the correctness of her own actions. And for a child, as you know, there is nothing worse than an anxious and insecure adult.
Raising a boy without a father
Mothers of boys are in a completely different position. According to statistics, it is they who most often seek advice on raising a child without a father. Such women are forced to constantly balance, so as not to grow up, on the one hand, a "sissy", and on the other, a rude dork, deprived of maternal warmth since childhood.
In the case of a girl, who in the view of parents of both sexes usually requires a softer upbringing, the mother always remains in the role of mother. Boys' mothers tend to take on both roles and constantly go to extremes instead of allowing themselves to be a woman and accepting the situation.
How does a child grow up without a father? He is usually surrounded by a bunch of women - mom,grandmother, educators, teachers, aunts and mother's friends. The kid is taken care of by everyone who is not too lazy, and as a result, he grows into a screwed up and completely dependent man.
Another bias is also possible - an overbearing mother who is trying to raise a man out of her son. Here and "do not cry like a girl" and "dismissed nurses." The boy, day after day, seeks approval and affection from his mother, but she, fearing to raise a "mama's boy", closes herself from him by all available means. And then he finds himself another company, other authorities and loses touch with those closest to him.
Son is not husband
What is the name of a child without a father? "Fatherlessness," you say. And you will be right and wrong at the same time. In single-parent families with one male child, a growing boy sooner or later partially or completely replaces his father. Usually this process begins at the age of 6, when children brought up in intact families experience an Oedipus complex.
Since a mother who raises a child without a father is often alone, she voluntarily or involuntarily makes her son her companion. The woman shifts some of the worries to her son, in between times shares with him the state of the family budget, initially as a joke, and then seriously discusses plans and expenses. The child, being at the age of falling in love with his mother, willingly joins this game.
In such a situation, it is important for a woman to remind herself more often that the person next to her is her son, not her husband. It must by all means maintain its own socialcontacts and contacts of your child. For example, when going to an amusement park, offer to share this day with other children and their parents.
The same applies to relationships in single-parent families with several children: there the eldest child very often "replaces" his father, becoming his mother's helper and support, and thus depriving himself of his childhood.
Be an adult but a woman
Single mothers have a great temptation to turn their children into either a vest or a scapegoat, and thereby spoil the little man's life and psyche. One of the basic rules for raising a child without a father is to keep everyone in their roles.
All sorts of manipulations like "did you think about your mother?", "you're the same as your father", "he doesn't love me, and you're in the same place" will not lead to anything good. A woman must understand that she is the adult here and all responsibility lies with her. You can’t dump all your problems, worries, dissatisfaction on a small person who can’t bear such a burden yet.
At the same time, you need to remain a mother and a woman, without trying to somehow replace the figure of a father. This is especially true for mothers of boys. Give your son the opportunity to be a knight: hold the door, help carry groceries, give you a seat on public transport.
The main feature of raising a child without a father is to accept the situation. Allow yourself to be a mother, to be a woman, to be happy, sometimes affectionate, sometimes strict. Do not replace real emotions with artificial ones andbe yourself. A happy mom is the most you can give to your baby.
Single mothers are very worried that they are raising a child without a father. What can a son and daughter lose? What aspects of life are they missing? How will life in an incomplete family affect them and their future?
The next tip on raising a child without a father concerns primarily mothers of boys, but parents of girls should not lose sight of this point either. In the life of any kid there must be a significant man. In fairness, it is worth noting that even in complete families, the father does not always play his role. Especially if he is not too focused on children or is constantly busy with work.
This role can be taken (sometimes even unwittingly) by any man from the environment of the child, who will win his special trust and respect. It could be a grandfather, a godfather, a family friend, a benevolent neighbor, a coach or a teacher: his personality is not really as important as the role he plays in the life of a particular child.
This is a friend, a guide to the world of adults, a mentor, a person who can be trusted with secrets and sorrows, ask for advice and find support. Such a man is especially important in the lives of teenage boys who are just looking for themselves and their place, are confused about asserting themselves and for the most part have much more fears and complexes than other categories of people.
A happy mother is the guarantor of mentally he althy children
From the point of view of psychology, there are no perfectly he althy people. We all have something to talk about in one way or another.with a specialist. But most of us were brought up in complete families.
Life shows that many fathers are present in the life of a wife and children purely nominally: they leave for work at seven, return when the children are sleeping, spend the weekend at the computer or with friends, bring money, sometimes they can call a locksmith or plumber. Such a dad does not give too much to his descendants.
And that's why sometimes it's not the worst option when a child grows up without a father. What should a woman do if for some reason she was alone with a child? The most important thing is not to despair and not to fall into depression. Numerous studies show that for the child's psyche, a depressed mother is much more terrible than the absence of a father.
Without a man, a woman's life can go in two opposite directions. In the first case, she will hold a grudge against the whole world and men in particular, in the second she will take what happened as a lesson and continue to live on. So, in the first scenario, in every man she meets on her way, she will subconsciously see the enemy and, having discovered the slightest flaws in him, she will only be convinced of her own rightness. In the second, a woman has every chance to start life from scratch, meet the right partner and try out a new scenario.
One way or another, the mood of the mother is sensitively read by the child and thus forms for itself an idea of men. What it will be depends only on the woman.
Boys raised by a mother offended by the whole world usually suffer from hidden complexes, most often they are infantile, not sure aboutthemselves, seeking approval and support. Girls in this situation are distinguished by isolation and a sense of insecurity.
Thus, the best thing a woman who has lost her husband can do for her children is to find the strength to become happy again.
Help for Mom
When a woman raises a child without a father, problems and solutions to these problems arise spontaneously and fall heavily on the woman's shoulders. When there is no partner with whom to share the hardships of parenthood, you have to bear the responsibility alone.
According to psychologists, there are no children who sooner or later did not recover from the separation of their parents, and there are no women who are not traumatized by a voluntary or forced separation from their husband. Contrary to popular belief, the child's psyche is more flexible and adapts more easily to external circumstances, and therefore it is the woman who needs to pity, help and assist. And she, renewed and open to building relationships with the world, children and potential candidates for a life partner, will then pull the child herself.