How to improve relations with the mother-in-law: advice from psychologists

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

An Eastern proverb says: two armchairs are empty in paradise, one is for a good daughter-in-law, and the second is for a good mother-in-law. Some African peoples still maintain the custom that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (as well as mother-in-law and son-in-law) meet only at large tribal holidays. The Solomon Islands also have their own traditions associated with these relatives: for example, a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law who live in the same house should not be in the household part of the dwelling at the same time.

Of course, these facts can be called proof that problems in relations between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law exist everywhere, but this can hardly reassure. Especially when endless quarrels are not a historical fact, but a cruel reality. Today we propose to talk about how to improve relations with the mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist, attempts to find the causes of conflicts - all this awaits you below!

Own blood

Start with the fact that the theme of the relationship of these tworelatives has historical roots. The fact is that the word "mother-in-law" literally means "one's own blood." While the "daughter-in-law" - "who came from nowhere." From time immemorial, it was customary to bring the bride to the house of the groom's parents, and even now such traditions are preserved when the groom redeems the bride and takes her to his house. By the way, psychologists say that 80% of mothers-in-law were once offended by the mothers of their own spouse!

Who is to blame and what to do?

When talking about how to improve relations with the mother-in-law, it is important to understand what is the cause of the problems. For example, if your spouse's mother is a quarrelsome, aggressive and conflicted person, and not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of others, it is most likely a matter of the character traits of this woman.

Your only task: try not to provoke scandals and not take part in the "fighting" that your spouse's mother unfolds. But if you are sure that hostile relationships concern only you, you should delve into the reasons for this behavior.

The most common causes of conflicts

Psychologists say that almost everyone faced such a problem as a critical attitude from the parents of a husband or wife. The fact is that parents incredibly love their own children and tend to exaggerate their virtues, not noticing their shortcomings. Another reason is that the mother-in-law is simply jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law. Of course, every parent understands thatsooner or later her son will leave the family, but this care is a serious problem for women. A completely logical question arises: why is it that the mother reacts so sharply to changes in her own family? Often, daughters-in-law note that the husband's father almost never shows his displeasure. Psychologists give the answer: women by nature are more emotional creatures, they live not by reason, but by feelings. It should be said that most often the mothers-in-law themselves are well aware that they are too strict and picky in relation to the daughter-in-law. However, they simply cannot help themselves.

Another reason that, according to psychologists, prevents you from building a good relationship with your mother-in-law is biological. It turns out that around the time when adult children create families, hormonal changes occur in the mother's body. Of course, menopause cannot be called a disease, but it has a significant impact on various systems of a woman's body. Including the mood. That is why the mother-in-law often has such character traits as irritability, excessive emotionality and irascibility.

Individual causes of conflicts

It would seem: everything is quite natural and natural. However, why then are there families in which the newlyweds manage to maintain excellent relations with their parents, and women do not face the question of how to properly communicate with their mother-in-law? What can generally affect the quality of a woman as a mother-in-law? Of course, these are character traits. So those womenwho are used to feeling their leadership in any situation, will not only impose their own rules in the new family, but may also demand total submission from the daughter-in-law. Living conditions also have an impact. For example, if your mother-in-law works and has a hobby, it is unlikely that she will come to you in order to check the quality of cleaning or washing.

Another reason that makes women think about how to improve relations with the mother-in-law is the relationship that has developed between mother and son. In the case when the child was the only meaning and love throughout the life of a woman (especially if it was a late child), it will be difficult for a woman to get used to parting with him. Long enough, she will try to fulfill her usual role, considering herself a full member of the new family.

Often there are cases when a boy was brought up in conditions of hyperprotection. That is, he was constantly told what to do, with whom to be friends, he was never left with a choice, punished for the slightest disobedience. Of course, the grown son is still under pressure from his parents. He will definitely get the profession that mom and dad chose for him, and he will marry only after his parents approve the bride's candidacy.

How to communicate with the mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist

The very first piece of advice given by family relationship experts is this: Sometimes it's better to be silent than to speak. In the event that the mother of your soulmate is prone to criticism and regularly expressesdissatisfaction with you (even if she disguises nit-picking as good advice), you should give her a minimum amount of ground for thought. Do not share what is happening in your life, for these purposes you have your own mother and girlfriends. Be concise and never involve your mother-in-law in your family's plans or conflicts.

What else is your spouse's mom not supposed to know? Of course, about your past. How to communicate with your mother-in-law when the conversation turns to a slippery topic, and you feel that you are about to receive another insult in your address? Try to move the conversation in a different direction as quickly as possible, for example, so that the mother-in-law starts talking about herself. And for as long as possible. In this case, the likelihood that she will forget that she wanted to find fault with you will be significantly reduced.

No criticism

Thinking about how to improve relations with the mother-in-law? The easiest way to ensure that friendships never reign between you is to criticize your husband. After all, it was his mother-in-law who raised him like that, by the way, she probably considers him the best person in the world. So it is better to discuss your dissatisfaction with your own man with him or not touch this topic at all. It is unlikely that the mother-in-law will begin to help remake her son. And do you need it? If your husband does not suit you so much that you cannot remain silent even in the presence of his mother, consider finding another partner.

Find her something to do

Thinking about howcommunicate with mother-in-law? Psychologists' advice is quite simple: help her find a hobby! This is the best option if the husband's mother is trying to participate in your life together. In order for her to stop constantly calling, coming to visit, checking what kind of borscht you cooked and how well you washed your husband’s shirts, help her find some kind of hobby: for example, let her put in order a huge photo archive, start going to the pool, also you can give her a needlework kit or teach her how to use Odnoklassniki. Let her feel like she has an interesting life of her own.

Stop competing

How to improve relations with the mother-in-law, who constantly challenges you to a kind of competition? Remember: you have nothing to share with her, in the heart of her beloved son and your husband you occupy completely different places. Try to remind yourself of this more often, especially when irritation overwhelms you while communicating with your mother-in-law. A good relationship with this woman is a real achievement that can make your life much easier.

Keep your distance

If you are thinking about how to communicate with your mother-in-law, try to keep your distance. Treat her with respect, because the positive qualities of a husband are largely the result of her long work. In the event that you don’t want to fake a smile and spend time with this woman, invite your man to visit his mother on his own, or better, give them tickets to the theater. So the mother-in-law can see your concern, and you can spend the evening without quarrels and conflicts.

Custom approach

If you are thinking about how to build a relationship with your mother-in-law, try looking for the keys to her heart. First, always show her respect and show her attention. Be sure to ask her for the recipe for this amazing pie. Offer your help, give some piece of clothing that suits her. Of course, you shouldn't get carried away, but asking for an expert opinion and taking part in life is not only possible, but also necessary.

Who is the mistress of the house?

Another incredibly useful tip on how to communicate with your mother-in-law: at the very beginning of the conflict, think about where you are. In the event that you are on your territory, then tell your mother-in-law that it is you who rules the ball here. Tell us about your desires and the rules that you have in your house. This should be done with the utmost respect. In the event that you are on the territory of the mother-in-law, where she is the mistress, in no case be silent: this will not help prevent conflict. How to improve relations with the mother-in-law in this case? Ask clarifying questions. Try to find out exactly what you need to consider, what rules to follow and what she expects from you.

No insults

Never insult your husband's mother. How to deal with a mother-in-law who insults you? Be sure to call your husband and repeat her words in front of his mother. In addition, after thisadd that her son chose you as his wife. So, by insulting you, the mother-in-law insults her own son. We assure you, this will discourage this woman from saying hurtful words to you for a long time.

Sympathy

Probably, every person has heard folk wisdom at least once in his life: whoever is rich, shares it. It is for this reason that psychologists advise looking at your own mother-in-law from the other side. If she shows you her anger, dislike or rejection, most likely she lacks love for herself. Try to see in your husband's mother a small child who was not loved, mentally tell her that you are sorry, that something makes her angry, that she feels bad. You don't fight with small children, do you? They are simply accepted as they are. Try taking your mother in law.

Agree

How to improve relations with the mother-in-law? A piece of advice that works flawlessly: From time to time, just agree with everything this woman tells you. For example, if she notes that you are too slow, be sure to agree and add: your husband chose you just like that, which means that this quality suits him.

How to make friends with your mother-in-law?

There are a number of ways you can help improve family relationships. Please note: you are not obliged to love your mother-in-law as much as your own mother, and you should not expect to be treated like a daughter. In the event that tender feelings between you nevertheless arise, accept them as a bonus from a successful marriage. Learn to see inmother-in-law something good, creative, allowing to balance her shortcomings. As often as possible, admire your mother-in-law, of course, out loud and with her, her talents and skills.