Situations in life are different, and it is not always necessary to bring up only your children. If your future wife or spouse already has a child, then the stepson should be treated no worse than your own children. This little man deserves that you make an effort to befriend him, to become part of his family.
Stepson - who is this, if you look at the meaning of the word in dictionaries?
This word has several meanings. Firstly, this is the step-son of one of the spouses and the son of the other. That is, he can be a natural son, for example, of a wife, but be a step-husband, or vice versa. Often a step-son does not receive the right amount of attention, experiences adversity of a different nature. In literature, the stepson is often pursued by the stepmother, doing all the dirty work in the house. There is another option - he can be so handsome that his stepmother falls in love with him.
Setting out to figure out who the stepson is, you can find in dictionaries one more meaning of this word, but we will not consider it. Socalled the lateral shoot of a plant growing from the axils of the leaves. But that's a topic for another article.
Stepson and stepfather. A very delicate situation
Most often the child is set against the stepfather, the "new dad". This happens in 90% of cases. Such a childish reaction is more than understandable and absolutely normal - he always had a mother, and a new man is trying to wedge between him and his mother, take away her love, attention and free time … Of course, the child will be unhappy.
How to behave as an adult so that the baby can accept a new person in the family?
Too emotional reaction is normal
Too violent and emotional reaction of the child is completely normal, and you should not be afraid of it. Over time, with the right strategy for the behavior of the mother and her beloved man, you can establish a good relationship with the child. Quietness is to be worried about. It often happens that a child does not make a tragedy out of the fact that he is now a stepson, whoever it may be. He calmly reacts to the appearance of a new person, does not show signs of discontent, but … he may begin to have nightmares, scream and cry in his sleep. It is better to talk with such children in advance, not to put them before the fact. It should be explained that mom still loves him, does not look for a replacement for him, will not give offense if something bad happens. If it doesn’t work out to calm the child on your own, contacting a child psychologist will be a good way out.
Sometimes it happens that children, on the contrary, react extremely positively to the appearance of a stepfather. They sincerely wish their mother happiness, behave like adults and meticulously evaluate the candidate for her new husband. They themselves take the first step towards friendship with their stepfather. In order for events to develop according to such an ideal scenario, you should take note of a few simple rules. They will be discussed below.
How should mother and stepfather behave?
- A mother's beloved man should, with her help, become a friend to her child. A good way out is to study the range of interests of the baby, to understand what worries him, what he dreams about, what he is afraid of. So it will be easier for him to touch on topics of interest to the child in conversations, to establish contact with him.
- You should never immediately inform the little man about your intentions (for example, “My name is Uncle Kolya, I am your stepfather, you are my stepson, whoever perceives this negatively is wrong”). You should start with the desires and problems of the baby. If later, when contact is established, the man who claims to be the stepfather wants to tell the child about his plans, then you can try to do this, but you need to be careful and carefully choose your words. It should be emphasized that the stepfather is not going to claim the place of the father of the child and is well aware that he can have only one dad.
- It will be great to introduce the child to the hobby of the new husband of the mother. It often happens that stepchildren over time with the most joyful emotions remember their stepfathers, with whom they went fishing in childhood, repaired the car in the garage. Mom, no matter how perfect and loving she may be,will be able to reveal to his son all the secrets of the male world.
- Don't appease a boy by giving him toys. And it’s absolutely impossible to constantly remind him how many cool cars a friend of his mother gives him, despite the fact that he is his stepson. Who asked to do this? Did the child ask for these toys?
- An excellent option for building relationships is when mom, stepfather and child go somewhere together - to the circus, cinema, children's park. It is very important that the child associates the appearance of the stepfather and being with him with positive emotions.
- Meetings between stepfather and child should be held at a clearly defined time. This will bring two positive results at once. Firstly, what takes place at a clearly set time quickly becomes a ritual and becomes the norm. Secondly, it immediately becomes clear how the child perceives these contacts - whether he is inspired before meeting with his stepfather or, on the contrary, becomes downcast and sad.
How should a mother behave?
- You should never force a child to call his mother's chosen one dad. This is for mom he is a beloved man, for a child he is an outsider and a stranger uncle.
- The new partner should not become the main thing in the upbringing of the stepson. Otherwise, it will seem to the child that the mother has gone over to the side of the "foreigner", and this cannot cause any reaction, except for negativity.
- You can't speak badly about a boy's biological father. You should not compare his "real" and"new" pope. Any negative remark about the biological father can cause negativity on the part of the child. Over time, he will understand that dad is not always the man who gave life. This is the person who is always there - helps, protects, from whom you can ask for advice.
In the relationship "stepson and stepmother", the same rules should be applied, only the stepmother takes the place of the stepfather, and the father of the child takes the place of the mother. If you follow these simple rules, maintaining the most tactful, kind relationships in the family will be happiness.