Husband's friend: influence on the family, attitude towards friendship, struggle for attention and advice from psychologists

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

When a woman marries, by default she expands her circle of acquaintances to include all her husband's friends, whether she likes it or not. If there is no mutual sympathy between the parties, the young husband finds himself at a crossroads - to meet his wife halfway or to remain true to old friendships.

How can a girl improve relations with her husband's friends and should it be done? Find out why the fight for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end in tears and how to prevent a family tragedy.

Opposition Theory

Every man definitely needs a field for self-expression - that society and a place where he could discuss topics of interest to him "without censorship" and expect an approval reaction in response. In a family environment, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior differs significantly from what is considered permissible in a male company.

At the beginning of a marriage, while the “old priorities” are still working in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence,friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his acquaintances and, first of all, to his young wife, that the conclusion of a marriage union is not a reason to change habits. Usually this position in the family lasts for the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally inclines in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.

Male friendship: protect or destroy?

A wife's attitude towards her husband's friends, as a rule, is formed during the difficult period of the “first year” for the family, and if a guy spends most of his free time meeting with friends, it cannot be positive. A woman faces a choice:

• leave everything as it is and come to terms with the fact that the husband will often disappear away from home;
• make friends with your spouse's comrades by introducing yourself into their company;
• get rid of objectionable people by stopping her husband's communication with them forever.

Having chosen an acceptable option for eliminating the danger, the girl must develop a tactic of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, having felt confrontation, her husband's friends will try to pull the man over to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.

In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social position. In this case, even if the husband's friend does not arouse sympathy in the wife, it is better for her to leavenegative with you and tune in to a friendly and respectful attitude towards a new acquaintance.

Why husbands choose friends

Unlike women, for whom friendship means an opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive friendly communication as a variant of self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, a husband can temporarily abstract from the role of breadwinner and family protector and return to the emotional state that preceded marriage.

In what cases can a man prefer the company of his comrades to the detriment of his family?

• immature temperament (infancy) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
• inability to behave naturally and naturally at home;
• low authority of the wife in the eyes of her husband;
• hysterical wife and nervous situation at home;
• shared hobby with friends that has been the basis of their relationship for many years (for example, fishing);
• unwillingness to cause condemnation and get the status of henpecked in the circle of friends.

A husband may not be aware of the reason that drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, a woman should look for a problem in her own attitude to family life, and not in her husband’s communication with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and put him in a ridiculous light in front of his comrades. The husband, even obeying such a decision of his wife, can hold a grudge against her, which will certainly lead to mutualdisappointment.

A bad friend can't spoil a good husband

Women often complain that under the influence of their best friend, the husband changes dramatically for the worse - he starts walking, drinking and showing aggression at home. However, the ability to radically change the character of a person is not characteristic of even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits disgust his inner convictions.

Those unpleasant traits that a woman reveals in her husband in the course of his communication with friends, in fact, have always been the underlying essence of his nature, being formed throughout his life. But it is easier for a wife to blame unmarried or morally unencumbered spouses for all the misfortunes than to admit that the faithful one is ready to grab a bottle or run away to a party at the first opportunity.

Before “weaning” the spouse from friendly gatherings, one needs to ask the question: is everything really so perfect in the family that having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of “bad” friends - the spouse will happily spend the whole weekend at home ? Perhaps, left alone with themselves and with problems that were only covered by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they have in common and how, in fact, they do not know each other well.

The fight for attention that might not have been

Complaints of girls who are faced with a busy spouse's entertainment schedule sound the same: II don’t want to communicate with my husband’s friends, but I also can’t allow him, under the influence of his friends, to slip into adultery or alcoholism. As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not getting any pleasure from communication and overshadowing the fun of the whole company with her displeased appearance. Or sits at home, winding himself up mentally and setting the stage for another scandal.

In fact, if a girl bothered to be frank with herself first of all, this phrase would sound like this: "I will not allow my husband to give his attention to anyone else but me." The wife is offended: she works just like her chosen one, takes care of the housework and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband's meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She is nervous, fantasizes, harasses herself and her husband with phone calls.

Having gone through a difficult period of getting used to each other, having learned to appreciate their partner and his interests (and this comes with years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control every step of their husband. Hours spent in nervous waiting are gone forever, and the eternal scandals that accompany each return of a spouse force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out a vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not being able to argue her right with anything other than reproaches, a woman pushes a man away from herself even more, and true friends become for him a salvation from an unbearable home situation.

Correct behavior with husband's friends

At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that X-meeting will definitely take place, which decides the girl's further position in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new member of the gatherings is “out of place” and friends directly tell the guy about it, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.

How can a girl behave correctly in a new society so that her loved one's friends consider her a worthy couple to their friend and do not plot against her?

1. You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of your spouse, so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
2. You need to think before you speak and take your time to take sides in conversations, because behind every event in the company there is a story that is not yet known to the new member.
3. You can’t flirt or highlight any of your husband’s friends with your attention - such a girl’s behavior will cause ridicule in his direction and automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
4. You should listen more and support your spouse in conversation more often - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding his girlfriend has become the right one.

Most likely, there will be other girls in the company of her husband's friends. If this is the case, then it is better for the newcomer woman to enlist their favor first. Even if the guys do not advertise it in society, at home they always listen to the opinion of their girlfriends, and this factor can becomedecisive for their friend's bride.

How to pull a husband out of a "bad" company

If in the company of friends a man reveals only the worst qualities that make themselves felt even at home, the situation needs to be urgently changed. Forbidding a guy to communicate with such people will not work. A strong friendship between a husband and a friend is always justified at a deep psychological level. It remains only to cool the old friendship, drop by drop introducing doubt and mutual dissatisfaction with each other.

Here are some of the easiest ways to expel "extra" people from your spouse's comfort zone:

• You need to praise your husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds something in common with such gray mediocrity as his friend.
• A girl can occasionally hint to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his "greedy" look.
• If a husband's friend makes some kind of mistake, the girl needs to show her disappointment - to a greater extent by the fact that the friend's behavior dishonors her loved one.
• It is permissible for a woman during joint gatherings in a friendly manner to ask the friends of the faithful "uncomfortable" questions, the answers to which will not put them in the best light.

And finally, a girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks of her husband's friends in her direction will make her husband want to protect her, rebel against everyone.

Relationship with ex-husband's friend

Due to various circumstancesthe marriage may break up, and some friends of the former spouse may turn out to be so sober-minded as to take the side of the weaker half. There is nothing shameful in the fact that a girl, even after a divorce, continues to communicate with a friend of her husband, albeit a former one, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. Deciding to follow him is much more difficult for guys than for girls, because on one side of the scale for them are the laws of friendship, and on the other - a love adventure that can either develop into a strong union or end in nothing.

For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband's best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as a contract with her own conscience. Short-sighted young ladies are ways to use such a move as revenge on the "former" or to forget with a person who "knows everything." For a girl who is serious, the opinion of her husband left behind is important. The thought “what will the ex think” is kept in the mind of a woman long after the divorce, and it is she who often becomes the reason that a promising friendship with a husband’s friend becomes impossible.

If the couple nevertheless decided to take an important step, the girl should remember three important "not":

• never reproach a man for betraying a comrade;
• don't compare life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
• don't let a young man think he's being used as a weapon of revenge.

The option when men continue to be friends even after they have switched roles in relation to the girl is not considered the best. If men are goodfind a common language, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will also be considered through the prism of a failed marriage.

Psychologist comments

When getting married, a girl sets herself up in advance that new life circumstances will force her husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is erroneous. A man does not consider his completed marital status from the point of view of sacrifice, for him marriage is a new component of a happy present, fitting in between other elements of joy, the same as communicating with friends.

Not a single normal man will answer positively the question of the bride, asked during the premarital relationship, about whether he is ready to break with all friendly ties, having found family happiness. A man simply does not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can crowd out each other, and he will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either I, or them!”, Not even realizing that the desired effect can be achieved without squabbles and mutual accusations.

A well-groomed, affectionate, always playful wife, meeting her husband in a good mood, no matter where he comes from - from work or from a friendly party - this is a guarantee that new associations will start working in the mind of a man in a short time. No longer a bachelor's apartment or a cafe will presentbefore his eyes when planning the next weekend, and a cozy house with a friendly hostess.