I regret that I got married. Why is love gone? Is it worth it to save a family for the sake of children? How to be happy in marriage?

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

Sometimes you have to hear the complaints of women who say: "I regret that I got married." There can be many reasons for such despair, since marriage is preceded by different circumstances. Some girls get married because of great and bright love, which passes with time. Other representatives of the fair sex deliberately enter into relationships in the hope that everything will “endure and fall in love.”

But what to do after the very fact of marriage has already happened, and the desired relief has not come? How to deal with your feelings and continue to enjoy life? Experienced psychologists tried to figure out these issues.

Reasons for marriage without love

After the desperate words “I regret that I got married”, you need to remember under what circumstances this happened. Surely, there were reasons that at that time seemed objective for making such a decision. Don't throw them awayfrom accounts, because, having understood the source of the problem, you can easily understand how to solve it. There can be many reasons for marriage without love:

• the girl decided that the positive character of the guy is a priority motive for entering into marriage with him;
• attracted by partner's financial independence;
• matched views and priorities regarding marital relations and raising children;
• parents forced me to get married;
• a woman chose to remarry in order to have a father present in her child's life;
• fear of loneliness was stronger than the prospect of life without love;
• girl got married because of revenge on her ex-lover;
• the fair sex just confused, taking a passing infatuation or ordinary sympathy for true love.

The benefits of marriage without love

Many people will be surprised: why get married if there is no love a priori? The answer will be unequivocal: this marriage has its own significant advantages. The first plus is that the partners do not value each other, they are not afraid of parting and separation forever. Such spouses do not have crises in family relationships, they do not get nervous over trifles and do not experience unhe althy stress. Life flows relatively smoothly, since each of the partners has their own personal territory.

To the question why get married if there are no feelings, there is another positive argument. This union will be the happiest in the world,because the husband and wife completely lack the feeling of jealousy. This does not mean that people do not have any feelings for each other. Between them there is respect, care, mutual assistance and many other positive aspects, which are the basis for a harmonious life together. At the same time, each of the partners has the right to their privacy, does not report on their location and does not describe their minute-by-minute daily employment.

Signs of chilling

If a girl comes up with the thought “I'm starting to regret that I got married” - this is a serious wake-up call. Perhaps the beginning of these doubts will lead to more serious consequences. To finally make sure that something is wrong in a relationship, you need to remember some points:

• Doubts. Increasingly, a woman begins to doubt the love for her husband.
• Irritation. The husband constantly irritates with his behavior, even nervous about what he had not paid attention to before.
• Shame. The girl tries to hide in public that they are husband and wife, she is constantly ashamed of his presence.
• Not in the plans. When a girl thinks about her future, her partner is no longer with her.
• Lost interest. A man no longer admires a woman, she is not interested in either his ups or his downs. Spending time together is also devoid of emotion on her part.
• The desire to take a break from a partner. The girl is looking for any excuse not to be alone with the guy, she prefers to take on an increased workload or go to relatives.
• Lack of intimateproximity. The woman becomes indifferent to the caresses of her partner, she tries to avoid his touches, stops having sex with him.

If most of the situations described correspond to reality, it means that the girl knowingly begins to sound the alarm about the lack of love on her part.

Check for yourself: love or dislike?

If thoughts of this kind arise: “I regret that I got married, what should I do?”, You need to be as frank with yourself as possible. Do not deceive yourself and hope that everything will change for the better on its own. Psychologists recommend asking yourself specific questions, the answers to which will help you better understand yourself. The list looks like this:

1. Do I have plans for a joint future with my husband?
2. Do I respect my husband as a man?
3. Do I enjoy my intimate life with my spouse, how does his touch make me feel?
4. Do my husband and I share hobbies?
5. For what should I be grateful to my husband, what exactly confirms his love for me?
6. What character traits and actions of my spouse annoy me?
7. What character traits and actions of my husband cause me delight and admiration?
8. Are there grievances left that I cannot forgive my spouse for?
9. Who initiates quarrels in the family, how often do conflicts and omissions occur?
10. Will I enjoy a vacation together or a romantic trip?

Crisis of family relations

After analyzing your answers, you can understand whether the woman really fell out of love, or just got stuck in life. What to do with this situation, and is it hopeless? Perhaps this is just a relationship crisis that needs to be overcome. Indeed, in the thoughts of a woman there is always a ghostly alternative. The representative of the fair sex is weighed down by doubts of the following order: if she had not met her husband, a more promising guy would have wooed her. You should not burden yourself with such comparisons, because not everyone can win the heart of a successful man, and you can live just as well with ordinary guys. After all, for some reason she fell in love with her husband and lived with him happily for a certain time.

Perhaps family worries and problems have added the last drop in the sea of fatigue. But we should not forget that not every lady is ready to constantly stand at the stove, some simply refuse to do it. And this is not an indication that they do not love their husbands. Therefore, do not panic and jump to conclusions and puzzle over why love has passed. Most likely, she has not gone anywhere, and the girl is just tired. If she realizes that she simply does not want to do housework, this means that we are talking about a banal relationship crisis. If a lady does not want to do anything for a particular man, the depth of her feelings remains in question.

Questions to ask yourself

Before you go to a psychologist, you need to try to understand yourself. And for this it is necessary againask questions that will ultimately help you make the right decision. The wording “I regret that I got married” should be left behind. You need to try to understand whether it is worth continuing to save the marriage, or whether it makes sense to end the relationship. Consideration should be given to the following situations:

• Imagine being happy with a partner under other circumstances (change of residence to more comfortable conditions, the presence of an au pair, increase in income, the presence or absence of children, etc.).
• If there is an exact answer on how to improve family relationships, you should ask yourself the question: why am I not doing this?
• If a woman who married without love knows exactly what her character traits, habits, details in appearance, etc. annoy her husband, she should ask herself: why am I not changing anything?
• A girl must understand if there is something in her husband that she doesn’t like fundamentally, and with which she can never come to terms. If this aspect is present, it makes sense to frankly admit it to yourself.
• If the husband himself takes the initiative to part, will the girl feel relieved, or is it important for her to be the first in this matter.
• If a case comes up that life will completely suit a woman, but make a man unhappy, will the fair sex agree to this option.

The ability to make the right decision

To understand how to be happy in marriage, you need to learn to objectively assess the situation and make the right decisions. The above list of questions willto feel for every woman whether she loves her husband and whether it is worth continuing the relationship. Therefore, you need to decide how to proceed. To do this, a reasonable solution would be to use the following recommendations:

• Don't scold yourself and feel remorse. Everyone has the right to do what their heart tells them to do.
• Thoughts about “I regret getting married and how to live on” are absolutely normal at different stages of marriage. Every family goes through crises, but to a greater or lesser extent, so such doubts can be just a momentary weakness.
• Not every woman manages to live in a marriage with an unloved person and pretend to be a happy woman. Such a joint stay will not bring joy to any of the partners.
• You need to make the right decision one way or the other. Either try to rekindle the extinguished fire of love as much as possible, or extinguish it completely - it will be more honest.

When the decision to divorce is made

If the thought “I regret that I got married” does not leave, how to breed so that it is as painless as possible for both parties? You need to use the following tips:

• Think about the topic of the conversation. It is worth deciding finally and tactfully to convey to your former lover the essence of the problem. It should be understood that a very serious and important decision is to be voiced, there should not be a way back. If a woman begins to hesitate and changes her point of view in the course of a conversation, shewill simply lose her husband's trust forever.
• Prepare the man. This does not mean that you need to beat around the bush about the existing problem, but you should not scare him too much with an overly menacing call to talk.
• Choose the best time and place. It is not recommended to start a conversation when you are upset, sick or under pressure from third parties (there are cases when parents forced to marry, and now they insist on a divorce). You need to choose a place and time when both partners will feel comfortable.
• Share your decision. This should be done as tactfully as possible, without raising your voice, without breaking into emotions, without sinking to insults and accusations. If there is hope to improve relations, you need to use it in the most loyal form, voicing your desires (but not requirements).
• Get feedback. If a man wants to know why the decision to break up was made, you should not list all his mistakes. There is no need to say why the love on the part of the woman has passed, it would be more correct to leave the conversation about feelings (it is no longer necessary).
• Let a man behave as he sees fit. We are talking about the option when the husband interrupts the conversation or simply leaves. It is necessary to put yourself in his place and give him the opportunity to rethink the situation. After a while, when both partners are ready, return to the topic again.
• Think about next steps together. If the spouses have come to a common opinion about the continuation of the relationship, the contribution of each of them to the general well-being should be indicated. If adivorce is inevitable, it is recommended to resolve all major issues related to the change of status.

Life in marriage for the sake of the child

Many are concerned about the problem of whether it is worth keeping a family for the sake of children. The advice of experienced professionals will help to understand this situation. Psychologists strongly recommend keeping the family together if there is at least one prerequisite for this. Perhaps the partners are in a difficult period for their relationship, and then everything will get better. But if the former lovers have nothing in common in feelings and emotions (meaning positive ones), there is no point in preserving what is no longer there. A child will never be happy in a family where there is no love, but only lies. If the parents divorce intelligently, it will become much easier for the baby to perceive this situation. After all, it is precisely those women whose parents were divorced or whose mothers married without love who are most afraid of parting. They remember their childhood experiences and do not want to allow the child to experience the same. To make everything go as painlessly as possible for children, you need to heed the following tips:

• Continue to live together while working on relationships. There are times when children hold together an almost broken marriage.
• They break up, but continue friendly and business relations that do not affect the child in any way. Ex-spouses explain to the baby that they are not a couple, but show mutual respect and care for each other.
• The child stays with one of the spouses, but constantly communicates with the otherparent. If relationships are built correctly, one can fully count on adequate understanding from the children.
• The child alternately lives in one or another family. This is also a great way out, and there are many examples of this, when children are in a wonderful relationship with the second halves of mom and dad.
• The mutual desire of both spouses to make the child happy will allow us to come up with new models for building the child's future life after the parents' divorce.
• Under no circumstances should a child be used to manipulate a spouse. This is inhuman and cruel to the baby.

Specific situations where feelings go away

The words "I no longer love my husband" can only be said by a woman who has specific reasons for this. Feelings don't go away just like that, an impulse is needed for this. Perhaps the husband himself does not love his wife, and she simply did not wait for his love. Or maybe there are other situations. The most common are:

• There is a lover. Here, a woman should think about why this situation happened, and draw the appropriate conclusions. But no matter which of the spouses is to blame, the girl must definitely make a choice. Since this cannot go on forever, it makes sense to consider with whom she would feel more comfortable. You need to either build a relationship with your spouse, or get a divorce and stay with your lover.
• Love for ex-husband. Mostly it is just an illusion and memories of a past life, which is idealized over time. Past relationships are in the pastthey have exhausted themselves, so it is worth cherishing what we have today. But there are exceptions, when both spouses made a mistake and dream of reuniting, then this union has a future.
• Love for a husband's friend. Reuniting with a husband's friend is a notoriously failed idea. Men value friendships very much and will never let them break because of a woman. And if a friend takes this step, then this characterizes him from the worst side. He will just get his way, but he will never be able to respect a woman after that.
• Love for husband's brother. This situation cannot be cloudless, since both lovers will become unhappy. A woman will constantly have to listen to reproaches from her partner's relatives, meet with an ex, etc. The brother will feel remorse and eventually blame the girl for everything.
• Love for someone else's husband. “I regret that I got married because I love another married man.” This is how a woman who is simply used to envying someone else's happiness can think. There are many things in life that look much better from a distance than up close. You should not destroy your own and someone else's family, rarely does anyone get the result of a new relationship the way he imagines it.
• Dislike for husband's relatives. This situation can only be resolved with the help of a spouse. You should not say unpleasant things about his relatives, you can just ask him to limit communication a little (see and contact less often). Parents are not chosen, so you should not blame your husband in vain and stop loving.
• Disliketo her husband's ex-family. This is a common situation when the new wife is jealous of the previous family. If a husband truly values the relationship, he will always find a reasonable compromise in dealing with two women. Besides, if he is no longer with her, then he has made his choice.

There is a lot of advice for women who have lost interest in their significant other. But in each individual case, these recommendations will be different (perhaps even non-standard). First of all, you need to listen to your heart and not jump to conclusions. Everything else will work out for the best.