How to save a marriage and save a family - consultation of a family psychologist

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

Unfortunately, the question of how to save a marriage worries more and more families. Conflict situations, controversial moments, misunderstanding and unwillingness to compromise escalate the situation in any family, and it is not surprising that at some point the couple approaches the brink when they start talking about divorce.

What does it mean to "save a marriage"?

For most couples who find themselves at that level of relationship when the marriage is on the verge of breaking up, this question will surely cause bewilderment. In their understanding, "saving a marriage" means not letting it fall apart, helping a husband and wife restore or improve their previous relationship.

In fact, this can not always be considered a real salvation of a marriage. If the goal is just to save the family, then this is more like a ridiculous parasitism, because what's the point of sticking together if there is neither joy nor pleasure from this?

Relationships between a man and a woman in marriage in almost one hundred percent of cases involve some kind of difficulties, conflicts, the so-called crisis periods. If a couple goes through them correctly, then the family only becomes stronger, the feeling of love and respect for each other grows, and, looking back, the husband and wife can understand what they went through in order to still be together.

But if any conflict or crisis period showed that the couple does not get along, or the partners simply do not fit together, or love for each other has disappeared without the possibility of flaring up with renewed vigor, then trying to keep the partner will not save the family. It will be a union of two cohabitants who will pretend that they are a family, and most importantly, I myself will believe that they are spouses.

The question of how to save a marriage should not be approached selfishly. Saving a marriage is a set of actions aimed at ensuring that both partners are happy in their life together. If the spouses managed to find a compromise, solve the problem, survive the crisis period and it became clear to them that everything is fine, that they love each other and create a wonderful union, then yes - the marriage is saved. Otherwise, no.

Problems that lead to conflicts in the family

Some problems in marriage are universal - the ones that the older generation tells a quarreling couple that they too have been through it. But there are problems that this particular couple manages to find, and the solution of such issues takes much more time. Consider the most basic causes of quarrels in married couples:

• Showdown on the topic "who is the head of the family." The classical understanding of the relationship "man - head, woman - neck" or "man -earner, a woman is a reliable rear" begins to gradually fade away in modern society. Women want to engage in self-realization, they work on the same level as men, emancipation and feminism flourish. Therefore, the argument "he is a husband, and therefore a leader" can be heard less and less in modern families. The struggle for power is destructive in any area of life, not only in the family. Unfortunately, not all young couples are able to agree on the distribution of responsibilities. In fact, the ideal option is when both partners do not try to outdo each other, but simply enjoy their relationship and work together on them, which extends to household chores.
• Insolent relatives. In Slavic culture, it is accepted that the family is not only a husband, wife and their children, but also grandparents, uncles, aunts and many unfamiliar relatives. It often happens that many of them happily intervene in the married life of a young couple, sometimes with advice, sometimes with curious questions, sometimes with requests for help where it is inappropriate. If a stranger can simply be sent for a walk, then with relatives, and especially close ones, the situation is more complicated. But the fact is that they interfere, and the family swears. You need to be able to negotiate and set your own boundaries.
• Different views on life, differences in the idea of family life. Such moments had to be negotiated before the marriage. For example, a guy wanted a child as soon as possible, but it turned out that the girl plans to devote at least a few years to her career. Much worse if the guy stubbornly stands onhis own, not wanting to compromise: in fact, he had already decided in advance what family life would be like without discussing it with his future, and now current, wife.

The most common couples divorcing problems

All of the above can be solved along the way, or it can be taken to such extremes that the result of the problem may be a couple's divorce. Now consider the reasons why marriages fail, even if at first glance they seemed happy:

• The meanness of one of the partners in relation to the other: a lie on some important issue, treason.
• Many are oppressed by gray everyday life. At first glance, everything is perfect: husband and wife, the house is in order, the children are well-groomed, there are no quarrels. But after a while, the couple decides to break up. Or does not accept, but both partners live as if they are neighbors in the same apartment or house, and not husband and wife. A constant routine can literally absorb a person: work - home - cook dinner - walk the dog - learn lessons with children - take out the trash - once a year go to the sea and so on. No light, no new emotions. It is doubly difficult if a person is busy with an unloved thing in life. He also has to bear obligations that he does not need, because he could not realize what he wanted before - a business, a job that brings joy, a hobby that turned into a job, and so on.
• Resentment against a partner. The reason can be absolutely anything, from real to far-fetched. If we take an example from the last paragraph about an unfulfilled business: a husband can bear a grudge againstwife due to the fact that he abandoned the idea of opening, for example, a car workshop, because he decided that suddenly nothing would work out, and he had to feed his family. This resentment may well break through after a few years or even gradually come out over time in the form of unfair nit-picking, accusations for no reason, exaggeration of real problems, and so on. And in this situation, relationships deteriorate, and it is difficult to get to the root of the problem without the help of a specialist. In addition, one of the partners is not responsible for the independent decisions of the second.

Risk Areas

Psychologists identify several difficult periods in family life, the so-called crisis years in marriage. Surely many have heard the concept of "crisis of three years", which is applicable not only to marriage, but also to relationships in a couple in general. In practice, the periods of so-called crises are not at all tied to a specific time period, since each person is an individual, and relationships in couples develop according to an individual scenario. For example, one couple can be terribly tired of everyday reality a year after marriage, and the other - only three years later. Some families may not experience any crisis issues at all.

Let's take a closer look at what "risk zones" are identified by family psychologists:

• Crisis of development. It can arise when certain changes occur in family life: the very fact of the formation of a new family, the birth of children, the process of their growing up, and so on. Such events, even if they are pleasant, are considered a crisis, since a person experiences, albeit small, but always stressed when faced with something new for himself.
• Crisis situation. Directly related to the crisis of development. When any events occur that concern any one member of the family or the whole family as a whole, disagreements can arise if the situation is not properly handled. For example, if a husband lost his job, and his wife began to nag about this instead of competently supporting, the crisis clearly overtook this family. At such a moment, the husband may well say something like: "If you don't love me anymore, let's get a divorce." After all, they are constantly reproaches from a woman who always appreciated and supported him before, can be perceived precisely as the absence of past feelings.

Where does love go

Yes, it can be. It happens that the phrases "If you no longer love me …" or "You love me …" are used as a way of manipulation. Nobody likes being pressured. For example, a spouse might say, "If you love me, take out the trash." But this is wrong. No sane person would use a partner's feelings for any benefit.

Many wonder where love goes, because in the beginning, many spouses sincerely love each other. Where do divorces come from? Many couples eventually perceive their partner as a close friend: they are familiar with him, there is trust in him, there are common children, the opportunityget physiological satisfaction and so on. However, the family is created on the basis of the love of a man and a woman for each other, and in theory, it is based on it in the future. If love has disappeared somewhere, you need to understand whether this is really the case, since many people can perceive their apathy and satiety with gray everyday life and traditional routine as a lack of love for a partner. When a person is dissatisfied with his life, it may seem to him that he does not love anyone around, including himself. And if, nevertheless, love for a spouse really disappeared - why did it happen and can something be done to return it?

Love can evaporate if the partners initially perceived each other incorrectly: they created an ideal in their head, attributed to the partner the qualities of this ideal and fell in love with him. And then it turned out that the spouse does not meet the ideal.

When there is no point in saving a marriage

It has been said before that saving a marriage is not an attempt to save it just "to be", but a conscious work towards solving problems in married life in order to make marriage real, strong and happy.

There are situations when a person involuntarily wonders whether it is worth saving a marriage. For example, a married couple has come to such conflicts that perhaps the best solution would be to actually divorce.

Many women who are faced with such a problem are concerned about the question: how to save a marriage if the husband has fallen out of love? However, first you need to understand whether the love of the spouse has really passed. If you can't return it- there is no point in tormenting a partner by keeping him close. The argument "we have common children" is not an argument. Will children be happy to live in a family where parents behave very coldly? In fact, there is no loving family anyway. And the child in the future perceives the family precisely on the basis of how he saw it in childhood.

It also makes no sense to save a marriage if one of the partners is a real domestic tyrant, a sadist (even a moral one), an abuser or a manipulator. We are talking about a really advanced stage of deviant behavior that cannot be corrected or can be corrected, but the abuser himself does not want it. For example, if a woman wants to save a family with a husband who regularly beats her or constantly speaks about her in a humiliating and offensive way (especially in the presence of outsiders), then you can put the question squarely about her adequacy.

Tips for saving a marriage

If you have weighed everything and made sure that your desire not to ruin your marriage is adequate, reasonable and altruistic, then the psychologist's universal advice on how to save a family will surely help you:

• Talk. Discuss issues honestly and in a timely manner. Try to build a conversation not in an accusatory, but in a debatable manner. Use "I" phrases to describe your feelings. "I was very worried when you came home drunk," not "You got really insolent last week." "I don't like it when you take the plates off my bedside table" rather than "You pry into my privacy."space". Have you noticed that "You"-phrases in this situation sound rude and obviously do not help in solving the problem?
• Find out in advance who is the boss in the family. It would be wise to do this without debate on this topic. Just distribute family responsibilities so that everyone does what he does best. Practice shows that most likely, the leader in a pair will emerge on its own, and perhaps he will not even immediately realize that he is a leader. If you maintain a certain equality, this is not only normal, but also excellent. We can say that pride and unfulfilled ambitions are unlikely to cause quarrels in your couple.
• Know how to admit your mistakes. If you realize that you have done something wrong, sincerely apologize and take steps to ensure that this does not happen again. But do not go too far: if you start taking responsibility for all conceivable and unthinkable flaws and mistakes, you will not be enough for a long time.
• Forget trying to manipulate. It won't save your marriage.
• If the problem is that you are stuck in a routine, and you do not feel the former love for each other, try to revive it. Send the children to a children's camp, to their grandmother in the village, or hire a nanny, and go for a walk around the places of your youth. Remember where you met, how it was. If there is no opportunity to visit such sights (for example, you have moved to another city), look at old photos, videos from the wedding. Create a romantic atmosphere at home or rent a hotel room. Try to have a pleasant and fun time and takethe rule at this time is not to think or talk about everyday issues.

Keep in mind that the above tips on how to avoid divorce and improve relationships are aimed at classic situations. If your problem is deep enough and non-standard, and even more so turning into a disaster, then you better seek help from a specialist. It can also help in case of standard problems, if it is not easy to figure it out on your own. This specialist is a family psychologist. A family psychologist's consultation has helped more than one couple to identify the real source of their problem, and as a result, find a solution to it and save their family.

Family psychologist: to attend or not to attend?

A specialist in psychology will not give you an absolute panacea for all problems and will not tell you in detail how to save a marriage. Its task is to push you to solve the problem, and before that - to identify it. After all, the true reason can be hidden very deeply, as in the example given earlier: the husband constantly criticizes his wife, and the deep reason is a feeling of resentment towards her.

If you decide to seek help, it is important to find a good family psychologist. The consultation involves a conversation between a specialist and a couple, sometimes he talks with a husband and wife separately.

Since saving a marriage on the brink of divorce is quite a difficult task, several meetings may be required. This is an absolutely normal practice, and not "pumping money", as many skeptics like to claim. Please note that the psychologistsolves problems for you, because a lot depends on what conclusions each of the spouses will make after the consultation, how responsibly the couple will approach the implementation of the recommendations of the specialist, and how much the partners themselves want to save their marriage.

Many people mistakenly believe that going to a psychologist is something shameful. Negative associations with a psychologist are one of the most common reasons for such a belief. Many of its supporters believe that a psychologist and a psychiatrist are about the same thing, and they are afraid or embarrassed to seek help, because they think that this will signal their mental disorder. The psychiatrist and psychotherapist really help people with mental illness, including those with such deviations that require hospitalization and isolation of sick people from society. But the psychologist has a slightly different task: he works with people who are still able to help themselves, but with his participation. In other words, if you are tormented by bitterness because your husband has cheated - this is a psychologist, and if everywhere you see quite tangible mistresses of your husband, whom only you can see and see clearly - this is a psychiatrist.

Another common argument against psychologists: "What's the point of going to him if I can tell my mom/girlfriend/sister/neighbor's cat about my problems?" So it is, you can, but as a result of this story there will be a significant difference. Well, only if your interlocutor is not a good specialist in the field of psychology. A qualified psychologist with the help of leading questions helps to find the source of problems and their solution. A friend will listen and support, but the situation will remain. And the cat, at best, meows in response to your complaints.

How a professional consultant can help

To the question of how to save a marriage, a family psychologist approaches from a professional point of view.

Firstly, he is well aware of typical situations when marriages fail, therefore it is much easier for him to direct the course of the consultation in the right direction. He understands that there are periods of crisis, he sees his temperament by a person’s behavior, he knows how to analyze relationships in a couple by the way they sit and how they communicate with each other during consultations.

Secondly, a good psychologist never imposes his opinion or gives advice. It is very important for a specialist to be able to direct the conversation and train of thought of the client in the right direction. For this, leading questions are used. Of course, the standard clichés from American films from the field of "Do you want to talk about it?" or "What do you feel at the same time?", Said in a bored tone - a completely unfortunate example of the work of a psychologist (at least for people with a Slavic temperament). But the direction is right. Leading questions are needed so that a person draws a conclusion himself and voices it himself. If you voice the conclusion in finished form and tell him in plain text how to solve the problem, in most cases a person may not understand, not understand everything or not remember everything. This is how our memory works: what we understand ourselves is much more firmly fixed in it.

Thirdly, for sure, a lot of older relatives get into your conflict situation,friends, comrades with the intention of giving advice. A psychologist is simply one of the people who is aware of your problem. But the specialist will behave correctly, tactfully, and in the end will also provide real help.

CV

Saving a marriage is not just keeping a stamp in your passport, but making the life of both spouses in the family truly happy. There are situations when the problem lies on the surface, but either the spouses do not see it, or it is so veiled that one cannot do without outside help.

There is nothing wrong with consulting with a family psychologist. On the contrary, a good psychologist can help resolve a conflict situation in the family much faster and more efficiently. But you need to be prepared for the fact that the salvation of the family depends primarily on you. No one will solve the problem for you. The task of a family psychologist, and indeed anyone, is to help you, and not do your job for you.