Crisis in the family: stages over the years and how to deal with it. Family psychologist

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

Such an institution as a family has been studied from time immemorial and there are still many nuances that cannot be fully explored. It is quite difficult to define what a family is, because there are countless of these concepts. The most common can be considered such an option as the union of two people who are united by the desire to be together. And a priori, a family can be considered complete only when a child appears in it. What is the cause of the crisis of the modern family?

What's the point?

The definition is just a couple of sentences that seem to be as simple and clear as possible. In fact, everything is much more complicated, richer and more intense. One union built on mutual love will not go far. The process of forming a family and strong trusting relationships does not take a week or two, it goes on throughout life. Roughly speaking, while the family is alive, it will be until the lastgo one by one the stages of the formation of family relationships.

Each of the stages is inherent in a certain crisis, as sometimes partners are faced with a lack of understanding of the processes taking place within the cell of society. To determine whether a family crisis has caught your couple, you need to figure out what scenario can form intra-family ties. If partners know what is happening in the family, they will be able to respond to crisis and difficulties more efficiently and fruitfully.

Conflict situations are resolved much easier when partners imagine what stage of development their relationship is at. It will be much easier for the parties to understand the processes taking place in the life of the family and try to turn all the negativity in a positive direction.

What is the life cycle of a family?

To put it simply, it is the history of family life, its development, the regularity of ongoing family events, its own dynamics, and so on. The causes of the crisis of the family lie in the same cycles. This life cycle is built from family events that can be identified as the most significant for the couple and their children. These processes have the maximum impact on changing the structure of the family. The family cycle is a set of events that occur throughout life and form the stages of the family life cycle.

Family stages by E. Duval

The life cycle of a family consists of eight stages, which are based on the two functions of the family - educational and reproductive. These stages depend on factors such as the presence or absence of children in the family, as well as theirage. So, the crisis in the family over the years can be as follows:

• The period of family formation, at this stage there are no children yet (0-5 years).
• The period of childbearing, when the age of the firstborn is not older than three years.
• The next period is when children become preschoolers, the age of the first child is no older than 6 years.
• Family with school-age children, first child under 13.
• The period when children become teenagers. This time period assumes that the oldest child is between 13 and 21 years old.
• A family that “releases” children from their nest into adulthood.
• Next period - husband and wife enter adulthood.
• The final stage is an aging family.

These stages can be considered basic, but definitely not the only correct ones. Not every married couple can be considered through this classifier. Still, absolutely every family is individual and there are many family groups, relations in which cannot be attributed to any of the classifications known to us.

In any case, no matter what the family is, no matter what specific features it has, at a certain stage of the life cycle it faces difficulties and crises typical of the current stage. We all know that being aware means being armed. Knowing these stages of crises will help you deal with them much faster and easier. If the situation is too complicated, then it will not be superfluous to contact a family psychologist. In Moscow, this will not be difficult.

What could be the problem?

The mosta common option, according to psychologists, is that family members cannot smoothly and gradually develop from one stage of family relations to another. This may be due to the fact that one stage overlaps another. This may include divorce, remarriage, having children from a previous marriage, and the like.

In fact, it turns out that the family seems to live in two stages at the same time and cannot get out of this transitional state. An example can be given: in a family with two children (one of them is a small child, and the second is a teenager), problem situations arise that are characteristic of both phases of the development of family relations. Hence, new difficulties appear, fears in the implementation of not only parental, but also marital functions.

Here we can conclude that the stages of development of family relations are determined by the totality of relations that develop between members of this family. After all, only formally the family exists from the moment of registration of marriage until the dissolution of the union. On a psychological level, everything is much more complicated. A crisis can happen at that period of life when the solution of problems characteristic of one period becomes impossible, and this entails the need to move to a new stage. At the same time, the new stage brings new functions and tasks, but the unresolved problems of the past will not disappear either.

Usually, such stages require a revision of the entire system of family relations. During this period, roles and responsibilities in the family can be redistributed. But this does not happen in a matter of hours or days. That is why at such momentsfamily and faces a completely logical relationship crisis that accompanies them during a period of painful transition from one stage to another.

What are the stages of family life?

Each family in the course of its life goes through certain stages, to some extent characteristic of all. All kinds of crises are connected with these stages, so let's look at each situation more specifically. Periods of crisis in the family may be as follows.

The period of courtship and the beginning of a relationship

At this stage, individuals are working on gaining experience in communicating with the opposite sex, choosing a future spouse, learning emotional and business interaction with them. For some, this period drags on for a fairly long time, someone tries to marry prematurely. Such behavior can be influenced by completely different factors, from family relationships to the financial side of the issue.

Marriage and the initial stage of a relationship

This crisis in the family after the birth of a child occurs almost immediately. After marriage, the newly-married spouses must realize for themselves what has changed in their position and social status, develop certain rules and foundations, and identify family boundaries. For example, which of the acquaintances of both spouses should not be “allowed” into the family? How often can friends visit? How will spouses live and relax without each other? Discuss the boundaries of intervention in relationshipsparents of both parties and so on.

At this stage, both social and emotional, sexual and other problems arise. This life cycle can be characterized by a change in the feelings of the spouses towards each other. A young family is just beginning to gain experience in common life, roles, responsibilities and much more are distributed. Also at this stage, there are usually discussions about career issues and a decision about the birth of the first child.

Especially acute is the issue of family crisis in modern society, where family relationships are depreciating.

Small family with small children

If at the previous stage we shared roles that relate to everyday topics, then here comes the time to resolve issues related to fatherhood and motherhood.

The birth of a child is the new conditions for the life of the family. There are much more intense physical and psychological stress, which should also be coordinated. At this stage, young spouses begin to exercise their parental function. In almost every family, the formation of a parental position is a turning point that entails a crisis for both parents.

Not only new mothers and fathers can boast of new roles, their parents are already becoming grandparents. The most common problem characteristic of this period is the issue of self-realization of the mother, since usually at this moment her activity is limited exclusively to the family and the child. As a result, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises, envy may appear for morefree and active life of the spouse.

A relationship crisis can only grow and develop, a marriage will begin to break down as the wife's demands for child care increase, and the husband, in turn, decides that children are a hindrance to his career.

Middle-aged family with growing up schoolchildren

Strange as it may seem, the period when a child starts going to school is often accompanied by a crisis in family relationships. A serious conflict between parents is provoked by the fact that the "result" of their educational activities becomes public. At this stage, for the first time, parents admit the thought that the child will someday grow up and leave the family nest, and they will have to stay alone. The midlife crisis in the family is one of the most difficult stages.

Mature family

When adult children leave the house, the spouses begin a stage that is considered a midlife crisis. Children leave to study, acquire personal relationships and appear less and less at home. Here comes the realization that it was they who played the primary role in the life of the spouses. Perhaps it was because of them that the parents maintained a good relationship with each other. They were united by love and care for their own children, and now this common common interest appears less and less within the walls of the parental hearth.

During this period of time, spouses may find that they simply have nothing more to talk about with each other, there are simply no other points of contact left. Nowthere is time to discuss old disagreements, and problems that have not been resolved or have been temporarily postponed due to the birth and upbringing of children are exacerbated. It is especially difficult for families with only one parent. For him, the departure of children from the family can be a signal for the beginning of a lonely old age.

The midlife crisis is statistically characterized by a large number of divorces. During this period, spouses begin to feel that they are losing love, a feeling of disappointment appears, and satisfaction with marriage slips to zero. Here begins a round of betrayals, constant conflicts, the spouses begin to review and evaluate the results of their lives, try to set new life goals, look for opportunities for personal growth.

Aging family

It is most often characterized by the retirement age, when spouses work either part-time or do not work at all. This stage is characterized by a new round in relationships, feelings for each other are renewed, family functions take on a new look.

The final phase of the family cycle

This stage is characterized by uneven aging of husband and wife, as well as the loss of their former opportunities. During this period, professional activity completely stops, which can be a great stress for both spouses. As practice shows, it is much easier for women to adapt to a new status. They still retain their status as the mistress of the house. And if the role of the husband was limited to the role of the breadwinner, then the termination of labor activity can serve as the appearancefeelings of being unclaimed in the family.

Children are of great importance during this period. It is on them that the emotional support and care of elderly parents depends. If parents are faced with serious illnesses, they often have to change jobs and so on. Another problem that spouses are experiencing hard during this period of life is widowhood and the formation of a new role model of behavior.

Crisis of the family. Psychology

But no matter what types of crises exist, one must adequately understand that no conflict situations appear out of thin air, simply because a certain period has come. Negativity accumulates gradually, as gradually as your relationship began. Psychologists identify the following stages that characterize the growing conflict situation in a relationship:

• Irritability from scratch and constant neuroses. Initially, we do not pay any attention to this factor, many attribute it to the influence of some external events. But this is not entirely true, do not underestimate this fact in family matters.
• It is not uncommon to consider such a situation when a spouse begins to think that his life is now boring and uninteresting, and the desire for previously set goals is reduced. The wife begins to focus her attention on this and points out to her husband about his changes. Here, disappointments in a partner begin, a woman begins to think that she is living her life with the wrong person, and this already entails a wave of conflicts.
• It is impossible not to pay attention to such a factor as pettiness. A wife in such a situation begins to demand as much money from her husband as possible, and he, in turn, ignores these requirements. Here, a man can admit such an idea that he lives his life with the wrong lady. The only way out in this situation is to figure out why this is happening, why the interest of the spouse disappears and how to change the current situation.
• The most dangerous stage is characterized by a complete lack of self-control on the part of the husband. At such moments, he can even hit his woman, here a complete mess begins in the relationship. The wife lives in constant fear and stress, withdraws into herself, loses confidence. One of the most unpleasant outcomes of such a situation is an attempt to solve the problem with alcohol. If a man allowed himself to raise his hand against a woman and more and more often he cannot control his emotions, then there is only one way out - just leave.

Usually this only happens if problems build up one after another, so feel free and don't be afraid to talk to each other.

How to be in a similar situation?

So, the crisis is on your doorstep, what should you do to make it pass as quickly and painlessly as possible?

• To start, remember that you should not be afraid to express your feelings, express your emotions and speak out loud about what is bothering you. Often, the problem can be solved through open dialogue, rather than quiet grievances. Just during the conversation, remember that you should not be hysterical, blame your husband for all troubles, shift the blame on himand so on. Do not use words such as "because of you", "you are to blame" and so on in your speech. It would be more correct to say that it is very difficult for you, it seems to you that you are no longer loved, but in no case should this be an accusatory speech. Do not shout that your husband comes home late on purpose, do not blame him for the fact that it is impossible to get any help from him, and most importantly, forget about the phrase "You don't love me!".
• Discuss with your spouse all the questions and disagreements that you have in the process of building a relationship. Your task is to find a compromise in the current situation. For example, if you find it difficult to keep up with everything, then make a to-do list and discuss with the chosen one who will do what and so that there are no disagreements.
• Do not try to manipulate your husband or blackmail him, remember all the good things that happened between you. It is better to address to the family psychologist. In Moscow, for example, there are a huge number of them.

Many couples are facing the crisis, and most of them got out of it quite successfully. Remember that you can do it too.