Husband does not help with children: methods of influence, ways to attract to education

2024 Author: Priscilla Miln | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 00:21

Waiting for the birth of a child gives spouses many pleasant and exciting moments, so when the baby is born, a young mother expects her husband to take on half the care of raising a newborn. However, in reality, it turns out that dad is not ready to change his lifestyle for the sake of the baby or finds excuses to spend less time at home. Is this always the case, are there exceptions and should the husband help with the children?

And what to do with it?

The appearance of a little man in the house is perceived by parents in different ways, especially if the baby is the firstborn. Mom carried a child for 40 long weeks - she feels the slightest change in his mood and well-being, but for dad, all these sacraments remain beyond comprehension.

At first, the newly-minted father is even afraid to take the child in his arms so as not to harm him, and the young mothertoo absorbed in pleasant worries to devote enough time to "getting to know" dad and newborn. She bathes, swaddles the baby, does not let go of him and does not yet realize that, assigning her husband the role of an outside observer, she gives him the opportunity to believe that his life has not changed since the birth of the baby.

After making several timid attempts to get closer to his child and being rebuffed by a loving parent, the young dad quickly calms down and begins to accept reality from a favorable position for himself. Since his services are not needed, then everything is as it should be.

Who is to blame?

Husband does not help with children - whose fault is it? As already mentioned, in the first weeks after childbirth, a woman unconsciously seeks to fill the baby's life with her love, being carried away by this process so much that the young dad simply does not have a place next to a common child. This situation cannot last long - postpartum depression, the undermined he alth of the mother and accumulating fatigue gradually reduce the quality of care for the baby and negatively affect the general condition of the woman.

Seeing that the wife is having a hard time, most men try to provide all possible assistance, however, due to their poor understanding of caring for a newborn, the result of such support may be negligible. The usual excuse of the young dad in this case is: “I tried, but I didn’t succeed.” It is believed, by default, that this verbal formula “for all time” removes all responsibility from a man, and after all, the founder of the introduction of such a loyal family into the familypolitics is precisely a woman.

Anti-methods of involving a father in raising a child

Of course, a husband should help his wife with children, but her unconscious resistance to this sometimes goes beyond all limits. How it works:

• a young mother is afraid that her husband, depressed by caring for a child, will leave her;
• a woman feels sorry for her husband, believing that he is too tired at work;
• affects the consequences of raising a wife who is convinced that the husband should earn money, and the woman should take care of the house and children.

This mother's behavior betrays her undeveloped attitude towards the institution of marriage and contributes to the fact that the husband does not help much with the child and begins to take what is happening for granted. A man feels the dependence of a young mother on him and is in no hurry to take on more responsibilities than he had before the baby appeared in the family.

Other reasons why a husband does not help with children

Psychologists believe that there can be no real obstacles to communication between a father and a child - if a father wants to spend his free time with a baby, he will find a way to bypass any obstacles. This is in theory, but in practice, encountering an obstacle on the way, a man accepts it as an excuse for his inaction and stops making further attempts to defend his right.

Factors that men believe may prevent them from spending time with their children:

• too much work, no time left for family;
• as a child, the man himself was deprivedpaternal attention and did not form the necessary model of behavior;
• dad believes that he is fully fulfilling the functions of a breadwinner assigned to him and does not believe that anyone has the right to demand more from him;
• there are too many “nannies” around the child in the form of caring relatives, and dad is simply not allowed to approach the baby.

Another striking misconception that is often used by men as an excuse is the "foolishness" of the child. The man allegedly waits until the baby grows up and begins to comprehend the environment, and until then, worries about him are of no interest.

According to statistics, many young fathers begin to show interest in their offspring only in the second or third year of a baby's life.

Daddy's Joy

In order not to complain later that the husband does not want to help with the child, the expectant mother should not remove her husband from pleasant worries already at the stage of preparation for childbirth. A man will not remain indifferent to the appearance of a baby if he, along with his wife, went shopping, choosing children's things. You can make him responsible for planning the baby's bedroom, assembling children's furniture or buying a stroller (crib), arguing that no one will do this better than her husband. A man will be pleased with this approach, and he will try to do even more.

When the baby is born, the tradition of leaving one or two important tasks of raising him to dad's responsibility must be continued. Let the father himself choose the kindergarten where the child will go, talk toeducators and will take part in the repair of the group. The current duties of the father can also be attributed to the simple control that only serviceable toys are on the shelf in the children's room.

Small steps to family happiness

The reason that the husband does not want to help with the child may be the excessive shouldering of "everything at once" on his shoulders. Mom needs rehabilitation after giving birth, and dad is required to carry out the entire series of procedures for caring for the baby. But men, in principle, are not adapted to tasks of this kind. And now he, left alone with the baby, begins to develop feelings of fear and disgust at the fact that he is busy with “not his own” business.

Is there a way out of the situation? No matter how hard it is for mom, it is impossible to allow a man to give up and start running away from home at every opportunity. If young parents are completely unbearable, you can enlist grandmothers or a professional nanny to help, and distribute the remaining responsibilities fairly.

A working dad can be assigned simple baby care routines like:

• evening swim;
• bottle feeding at bedtime;
• changing diapers in the crib;
• shopping for groceries on the way home;
• walking with a child at the weekend.

Each of these actions can be turned into a small home ritual, pleasant for both parents: for example, while mom dresses the baby for a walk, dad prepares the stroller, covers it, checks the pendant toys for their integrity.

Subtlety

If the husband does not help with the children initially, the methods of influencing him should be progressive, with the modeling of the current situation. A woman can unobtrusively ask him to look after the child while she is busy doing laundry or cooking, but this must be done in such a way that the spouse does not have enough time to find an excuse.

Sometimes the husband does not help with the children, but willingly takes on other household chores. This also needs to be used. The list of purchases that he sometimes makes should include diapers and other baby hygiene items. You can gently ask him to put all the toys in their places if he decided to help with the cleaning anyway, or pick up the baby from the kindergarten on the way from work. All these actions will not take much of the spouse's time and will not allow him to assume that he is being manipulated.

No hints

The first thing a woman should learn when trying to influence the thought process and actions of her husband is that any request or appeal to him should be voiced directly, and not allegorically. Most men do not understand hints, and the wife's attempts to "reach out" to their sense of responsibility through a demonstration of female weakness causes great irritation for many of them.

Husband does not help with the child - what to do? Psychologists advise using a trick that does not give the spouse a choice as such, but at the same time creates the illusion of his own decision. For example, we are talking about asking the spouse to play with the baby while the mother cooks dinner. A woman shouldformulate your request something like this: "Darling, if you keep our child busy while I'm in the kitchen, I can cook your favorite dish, otherwise you will have to eat boring pasta again."

Analyzing this wording, one can understand that a woman does not insist on her proposal, but does not give her husband the opportunity to "dissuade" one of the common phrases. Her request sounds very clear - either the husband will have to spend his time on the baby, or come to terms with food prepared in haste. By using the method from time to time (but not too often), a man can be trained to think that his actions are inextricably linked to improving home comfort.

Dad's guide

Most often the reason that the husband does not help with the children lies in his elementary ignorance of what needs to be done, as well as in his subconscious fear of making a mistake and causing discontent. Which exit? Compose a "briefing" with a detailed algorithm of actions for literally every required manipulation.

For example, instructions for feeding a baby from a bottle might look like this:

1. Boil a clean bottle for a minute.
2. Separately boil and cool purified water to 40 °C.
3. Pour 50 ml of water into a bottle, pour 1 spoon of the mixture.
4. Close the bottle, shake it well so that there are no lumps left.
5. Drip a little of the mixture on your wrist and, if the liquid is not hot, start feeding.

Gradually fromBy the accumulation of paternal experience by the young parent, the need for instruction will disappear, and the man will proudly demonstrate his knowledge at every opportunity.

Constructive criticism

Men do not like criticism, and criticism in family life can unsettle them for a long time and lock them in on themselves. If a woman, for every unsuccessful attempt by her husband to take part in raising a child, will tell him: “You are doing it wrong!” or "You're always wrong," she shouldn't be surprised that a man starts avoiding any errands.

Even worse, if a young mother starts comparing her husband with someone else who has the same actions have a better result. Making such analogies by men is perceived as an insult, which can cause justified aggression towards the provocateur.

Not every mistake of a man who makes a sincere attempt to help his wife with a child requires censure, and some of them are better not to notice at all. It's okay if the baby goes for a walk in the undershirt, worn inside out, it is much more important that dad did not shy away from the process of dressing the child.

If a man made a mistake where the correctness of actions is necessary to preserve the he alth of the baby (for example, he did not put on a warm hat over the bonnet), he should point out the mistake, focusing on the action itself, and not on the mistake. Here's how it should sound: “It's already cold outside, and we put on a woolen hat on top of a cotton one. So the baby will not freeze. In fact, this is also criticism, but so veiled that it will not causeresentment.

Everything in moderation

Even the best father and husband need free time to “breathe” and feel their belonging to the world around them. To deprive him of this opportunity is to deal a serious blow to his masculinity. This does not mean that all communication between dad and child should consist of a few minutes of play after work, but everything needs a measure.

Men are arranged in such a way that the desire to maintain the privilege of their own interests in moments of infringement of this right becomes prevalent. In other words, if you load your spouse with worries about the child at a time when the long-awaited football match is on TV, then another time, during the broadcast of the game, he will try to leave home or defend his right with a scandal.

While the child requires the vigilant attention of adults, it will be useful for spouses to apply the practice of compiling a weekly schedule of their employment. Thus, the husband and wife will know in advance when they can have personal time, and there will be less disputes on this issue.

Father's financial help after divorce

After a divorce, it often happens that the ex-husband does not help with the children financially, believing that these worries no longer concern him. The state has a lot of leverage on negligent fathers, offering a woman to start a production machine with only one active action - writing an application for alimony.

Most often, no other steps are required to ensure that payments for children begin to arrive regularly, a woman does not need to. However, in some cases, 25% of the father's salary or allowance is not enough even to provide for the primary needs of the child. Then the way out of the difficult situation will be the appointment by the court of a fixed amount of payment for a minor, which can reach the subsistence level established for the region for a child.

Another important question on the topic: should a husband help his wife with a child financially if the official divorce is not filed, but the parents do not live together? Lawyers do not consider this issue as controversial, since the maintenance of a minor reclines on both parents equally, regardless of the variable circumstances. Alimony, if the parents are married, is assigned in the same manner as after their divorce.

"Day off" dad

If parents break up when the child is still small, it becomes problematic for dad to demonstrate his love for the child. Meetings with the baby always take place in the presence of the mother, with whom the father may have formed a cool relationship, and this puts psychological pressure on both parents. Gradually, the father will try to reduce the time of visits or not appear on them, which can develop into complete alienation.

Is there a way out? There are several of them:

• during meetings with dad, a grandmother or other relative may be next to the child;
• meetings are better to be moved outside, and the mother can leave the child in the full care of the father, and then meet him from the walk at the appointed time.

If the ex-husband does not wanthelp the child financially, but at the same time insists on meetings, it is better to take the problem to court, where, in addition to the appointment of maintenance payments, the mother may also demand the establishment of a schedule for meetings between the father and the baby.

If dad is gone forever

There are situations when the father's intention to completely disappear from the child's life and start a new life is the best solution in the name of maintaining a he althy psychological environment in the family. It is much better if the baby grows up with the confidence that his dad left him due to circumstances beyond his control than he begins to torment himself with unsuccessful expectations of rare meetings.

If the husband does not help the children after he left the family, the responsibility for finding the right words and maintaining the inner comfortable world of the kids falls on the mother, and she herself has the right to decide in what form to dress her story. It is advisable not to traumatize children with the truth, postponing confessions to a later period, but to explain to them that dad was forced to do this, but his love for kids remained the same.