"I hate my mother-in-law" is a common theme on family forums, and for good reason. There are many anecdotes about the relationship between two women, but in life everything is much more dramatic. Quarrels can lead to divorce, so many wives endure in silence as much as they can, and some, less flexible and tolerant, make a real war with their husband's mother. "I hate my mother-in-law, what should I do?" - with such a question, wives come to a family psychologist in order to maintain relations with their spouse.
Why is this happening?
Raising her son, the mother-in-law saw in him not just a child, but her own, ideal man, whom she had dreamed of all her life. Even if your spouse is in reality far from the ideas of an ideal man, he is the best for her. The mother-in-law put not only love, but also ambition into her son. She's already got the best one for him.a girl who fits her idea of an ideal wife. And certainly the mother-in-law will oppose if the chosen one of the son has a child from his first marriage. That's when reality does not meet expectations, the main song of the mother-in-law begins: "I didn't want such a wife for you." She begins to bother her daughter-in-law, nag and play on weaknesses. Here's what happens in everyday life:
- Permanent division between a beloved man - a son and a husband.
- Clarification of relations from the series "who is the mistress of the house".
- Different views on the upbringing of children, when a grandmother stands between her son, daughter-in-law and grandson, dictating what, how and to whom to do.
- Different views on family life, household chores and recreation.
- Prejudice against the woman of the son, if he constantly criticizes her and compares her with his beloved mother.
Mistakes of the wife
Let's analyze the main mistakes that wives make most often:
- Many complaints to the spouse about the negative attitude of the mother and attempts to create a conflict that will show the daughter-in-law in a favorable light. This state of affairs will not only not improve the situation, but will also provoke a new wave of conflicts.
- Rough language, swearing towards the mother-in-law in the presence of her husband and not only.
- A game for show, exhibiting feelings in front of the mother-in-law. This kind of behavior can hardly be called adult.
- Constant and obsessive attempts to please.
- Reproaches when quarrels with her husband, that his mother raised him unsuccessfully, made him a loser and everything in the same spirit.
- Gossip about the mother-in-lawwith neighbors and friends.
- The separation of grandchildren from their grandmother.
How to stop conflict?
If you also constantly repeat: "I hate my mother-in-law", advice (what to do) comes from the lips of experts as follows:
- Remember that your main weapon against the caustic attacks of your mother-in-law is tact and politeness. Remain calm and don't let her piss you off. If you are polite, she will have no choice but to stop attacking.
- Nothing brings two people together like common interests. Invite your husband's mom to shopping, to a cafe or cinema, or to aerobics classes. Perhaps, deep down, your mother-in-law does not want to grow old and wants to spend more time with younger people.
- The war with the husband's mother is lost in advance, even if the mother herself often spoils the life of an adult son, and he does not speak very well of her. He is allowed to do this, but not you. Mom lived with him all his life. Your complaints about your mother-in-law will ruin family life, not their relationship with each other.
- Don't try to take the palm from mom. This is silly. Why do you need to be in charge? You are not a mother, but a beloved woman. They run to wives like "mommy" for consolation, for support and help, and then go to others to love them and win, surprise, give gifts. Women who become "mothers" for their men are doomed to be content with very little from them: to be happy when he eats borscht and enjoy modest bouquets onMarch 8, and meanwhile they have to invest much more in these relations. Yes, and men next to them become weak and helpless. So let mom be mom, do not interfere in the relationship between them.
- No matter what your mother-in-law tells you, no matter what valuable advice she gives, it is in your power to either get annoyed about it, or listen, nod and do as you see fit.
- Accept the fact that your husband's mom is not fighting against you personally. She sees in you not the wife of her son, but a rival for his attention and love. The mother-in-law thinks that she no longer needs her son, begins to attract his attention in every possible way with heart attacks, a broken window, or something else that is enough for fantasy. This is a common manifestation of jealousy that occurs when a person lacks love. The easier you are to deal with it, the better. Call your husband's mother, consult with her even for show. It is more important that she feels her worth. Ask about her he alth, what she did during the day, tell the good news. This little thing can significantly smooth out the sharp corners in your relationship.
- Praise her and her husband. Another nice little thing - women's cunning and no fraud. Compliment her pies, say you would never have made them yourself, appreciate her dress or blouse, and let her know how much you appreciated the advice about her son's sweater. Praise your husband, what a wonderful, caring, wonderful father he is, hardworking, and indeed a dream man. And never do the opposite: complaining about her husband makes the mother-in-law understand that she is a bad mother and could not raise a worthyman. The more compliments you give, the faster the relationship will improve, only sincerity is important.
- The mother-in-law is also a woman. Come to her with flowers, candies, fruits or whatever she likes.
- Do not interfere with the relationship with the mother of the husband's children - they are not to blame for anything. After all, even the most evil mother-in-law in the world is just a grandmother for them. Give them a happy childhood, not memories of constant fighting.
- Don't get personal and don't respond to insults, just agree so as not to escalate the conflict even further.
- Don't be too frank with your mother-in-law. Keep in mind that she can put everything in her favor at the first quarrel with your husband.
- Don't plot revenge with other relatives.
Should the spouse know?
Another question that worries women: "Should my husband know that I am constantly under pressure, and I hate my mother-in-law?". What should I do, tell him about it or not? Professionals recommend the following. If these are minor things, then you should not talk about them. Imagine what your spouse will be like if you start to put pressure on him from both sides. You only need to hint at a frank conversation with your mother if the mother-in-law's attacks continue for more than one month in a row. However, if he himself has a bad relationship with his mother, he most likely will not have to wait for help. You need to solve the problem yourself.
Mother-in-law is mother
If every day you say to yourself: "I hatemother-in-law, "- think about this: she is also a mother. Maybe too fanatical, but mother. Someday you will also become a mother-in-law or mother-in-law. No matter how bad, terrible, disgusting she may be, this woman raised your husband, who you liked it.After all, you married him, so she is not so bad as it seems at first glance.Just because she is the mother of your spouse, you should thank her and show respect.
Think of your mom
"I hate my mother-in-law and my husband, because he is so spineless, does not take my side, does not protect, I'm his family, I, not my mother." Have you ever had such thoughts? Yes, you may have many objective reasons to be angry at the behavior of a spouse who does nothing in this direction. But imagine the other side of the conflict: the beloved man constantly insults, humiliates your mother in your eyes, what is it like? Probably, you will not like it either, and you will not restrain yourself from saying a couple of "affectionate" words to your spouse in person. You will take your mother's side, won't you? Then why should a husband behave differently towards his mother?
I hate my mother-in-law, "breathe evenly" advice doesn't help anymore, now what? Decide what is important to you. You have every right to feel hatred if you want. But you can ask yourself why you are doing this. Turn on awareness, control of emotions and thoughts. Imagine, day after day, you say to yourself "I hatemother-in-law, "what do you get in return? The constant scrolling of negative thoughts in the internal dialogue worsens the physical and emotional state. It has already been proven that many diseases are based on resentment, such as cancer. In psychology, there is a whole section devoted to diseases and their psychological origins. This section is called “psychosomatics.” If you repeat every day: “I hate my mother-in-law,” and the advice of psychologists that you need to try to build relationships annoy you, then you are harming yourself and your body first of all. It's the same as if you threw a lump of dirt at another person, it may not reach the addressee, but you are guaranteed to get your hands dirty.
Besides, don't think about yourself, think about your husband. How does this affect him? A man initially bears a great burden of responsibility: he is a money earner, a father, a husband, the whole family expects something from him. What is it like for him, coming home from work, to hear once again: "I hate my mother-in-law, your mother is terrible, again we quarreled, you know, but here she is …". Do you really have nothing else to talk about, except for quarrels, and your husband has no other problems? Do you want his mother to leave your life, or that everything in the family be calm?
Take off your imaginary crown
If the phrase "I hate my mother-in-law" has become your motto, then you are still far from harmonious family relationships. Ask yourself why your husband's mother didn't please you so much. Of course, you can make a whole list offive pages, but accept the simple fact that the environment is not at all obliged to try to please you and live by your rules, meet some standards of behavior or live up to expectations. If you constantly experience negative emotions in relation to your mother-in-law, find fault with her actions, cling to words and complain to your spouse, you behave exactly the same way as she does. You are the same whether you like it or not. If you want to start a dialogue, try being tolerant of your mother-in-law.
What is a man to do?
If a wife hates her mother-in-law, then, most likely, there is an understatement in the relationship between them. Observe the behavior of two women who love you. If, for some reason, your mother thinks that your wife is not a match for you and is trying to bring you together with someone better, then let her know that there is no one better than your wife, and this is your choice. Well, if conflicts occur over trifles, talk to your spouse and ask them not to pay attention to mom's nit-picking.
Talk heart to heart
How to stop hating your mother-in-law? Talk heart to heart. Accumulating resentment is not the best way out. Try to find a common language, ask your mother-in-law to forgive you for something, explain that you love her son, thank him for being who he is. Ask her to say what she doesn’t like about you, speak out. It will do you good.
"I hate my mother-in-law, we live together, I try my best, and still can't please, it's wrong, it's wrong. Husband is tired, and so am I." If this scenario is about your relationship with your husband's mother,conversations and concessions do not help, then the best option is to leave. If you do not have the opportunity to buy a separate apartment, then you can find rented housing, and come to your mother for the weekend. Do not forbid your spouse to visit the mother at other times or communicate with her on the phone. This will smooth out the conflict. If possible, do not interfere with your relationship with the mother-in-law of young children, as they should not be hostages to adult quarrels.
You don't have to say "I hate my mother-in-law" if she has:
- Own apartment. You can mind your own business or not, postpone it until better times, watch your favorite movie, order food delivery without moralizing that you are a slob and do not care at all about what your husband eats.
- Spouse. The husband's mother begins to terrorize his family when she doesn't have a personal life of her own. If the mother-in-law is doing well in her family, she simply will not have so much time to spy on her son.
- Daughter. As a rule, the mother's daughter's problems are much closer and more understandable than her son's, she gets more attention.
- Self-interest. There is no need for another person to eavesdrop and peep if he is satisfied with his own life. It doesn't matter what it will be: yoga, fitness, swimming, painting, crocheting or own business.
Hate for husband's sister
"I hate mother-in-law and sister-in-law" is another problemmany married women. The husband's sister can become a problem when personal insecurity is involved, and the brother was the only male in the family. In such a family, where the son was brought up without a father, he is often forced to take on other male social roles: he is at the same time a son, a husband, and a brother. The mother wants to see in him a support that she has never seen in a man if she loves her son. In this case, she may constantly ask him to come, even for a minor reason. And if the relationship with the ex-spouse did not work out, and the external features or character of the son resemble his father's, then with a high degree of probability he will face constant claims, no matter what he does. Thus, an abandoned, lonely and unsettled woman expresses claims not to her son, but to her husband. In her son, she sees the traits of her husband that did not suit her. This results in constant scandals. In the daughter, especially if she is as lonely as the mother-in-law herself, she sees herself, her own problems, her expectations about men and demands that she be constantly helped. And in this case, it is very difficult to explain that the sister-in-law is an adult girl or woman who may already have her own children. In the person of the mother-in-law, she is a victim, and the brother, as a man, must take responsibility for her. Such behavior provokes hatred for the sister-in-law. Not because she is bad, but because she should be helped at the expense of another family.
Reviews of those who have tried the recommendations of psychologists in relation to the mother-in-law show that they work. In most cases, everything returns to normal after the husband's family begins to live separately frommothers. The most important thing is to call more often and react calmly if the spouse goes away to the mother-in-law. Then she would have no reason to feel abandoned and unwanted. It is even better if children accompany him. Time and patience help to get closer.
There can be many reasons why daughters-in-law hate mothers-in-law and vice versa. These are nit-picking on the part of the husband's mother, and upbringing, and lack of tolerance for each other. But no matter how it was - it's a kindred conflict. Do you also say: "I hate my mother-in-law"? The advice of psychologists on what to do, collected in the article, can help overcome negativity. However, the choice of method is yours.